Tom Cruise on the Universal Efficacy of Vitamins in Treating Every Medical Problem Known to Man

By Bachem Macuno

I sat down with award-winning actor (LISA--PLEASE FACT CHECK) Tom Cruise at Campanile recently to discuss recent breakthroughs in the use and application of Vitamins to address maladies which have up to now been addressed by other--and to Tom Cruise’s mind, less effective and possibly even harmful--methods

Your deciding to speak out publicly and authoritatively about medical matters makes you sort of anomalous among movie actors.

You know, you get to a point where you say enough is enough. People are being misled, badly cared for, and needlessly damaged by the attitudes prevalent in American Medicine, movie actors among them.

Like whom?

Well, take for example Christopher Reeve.

Who suffered massive spinal cord injuries in a riding accident.

Exactly. Now here is a man, and I care about Christopher Reeve because I think he is an incredibly talented man. But look at him; where has his career gone?

I, uh, hate to be the one to tell you this, but Mr. Reeve passed away last year.

You're kidding.

I wish I were.

Dammit. That is devastating to me--Could I get some more iced tea?--It's painful because I know if I'd spoken out earlier, he could've been saved. That's the tragedy of it. Well, it is what it is.

Can you give me some examples of medical situations that were treated more effectively with this alternate medical philosophy?

Sure. I can recall an incident on the set of ‘Days of Thunder’ where a stunt driver had a horrible, high-speed accident, just barreled into a wall, and unfortunately he had been harnessed incorrectly. He was screaming in agony, his legs and several ribs were obviously very badly broken, and the first instinct of everyone on the set was to get him airlifted to a medical treatment facility. Luckily, amid all of this hysterical panic, someone was clear-thinking enough to come to my trailer to notify me of what had happened. I sprinted to the scene and insisted the air paramedic be turned away--it was clear to me that what this man was most in need of was a handful of high-potency vitamins, which I administered with all due haste.

Really? This is an effective treatment for numerous compound fractures?

Well, not on its own, obviously. I had him carried to my trailer and placed in my sauna, where he could sweat out the pain-toxins that were coursing through his bloodstream.

Pain-toxins?

And I'll tell you, he had a lot of them. I insisted that he not be allowed to leave, or he would’ve never gotten them all out. I was holed up with this sweaty, moaning stuntman in my trailer for somewhere over a week, giving him enemas several times a day, before I let the crew in to see how well he had recovered. It was really amazing.

He was completely recovered?

Well, his legs had to be amputated because he had developed embolisms near the fractures, probably as a result of his body being too toxic and polluted to let the vitamins properly do their job. But it’s my understanding that he can now take deep breaths without sharp, stabbing pains. He’s an amazing man, and it’s a tremendously uplifting and illuminating story. He’s really the hero here.

What, beyond fractures, can vitamins properly address and treat?

The question is really what can’t they properly address and treat, and the answer is ‘very little.’ The evidence is what it is. To illustrate this, let me tell you the story of Amy Kaypool. She was an extra on the set of ‘Cocktail,’ in a scene where Bryan Brown and I were juggling several bottles of booze at once, a Bailey’s Comet—have you ever had a Bailey’s Comet?

No.

Oh, they’re amazing—Goldschlager, Rum, Schnapps, of course Bailey’s, then ignited and sprinkled with Cinnamon; just delicious. You should try one. Anyway, one was inadvertently knocked over, while lit, and spilled on this girl, who must’ve been wearing something very flammable, because in moments she was just engulfed in flames.

Oh my God.

Yeah. It was only luck that I was close enough to douse the flames.

Thank Heaven.

Unfortunately, it was bad luck. I doused the flames with Bacardi.

Oh, no.

It was awful! It was probably the most gruesome, heart-breaking thing I’ve ever witnessed. I am so grateful that I had a pocket full of multi-vitamins at the time; I don’t know what would’ve happened.

She wasn’t rushed to a hospital burn unit?

No way. Those people are quacks. Their methods have no basis in hard science whatsoever.

What is your Medical schooling background? Isn’t it true you dropped out of High School?

It’s true that I don’t have a diploma from an American High School—but what the Medical community doesn't want you to know is that the most highly-respected Medical minds in Europe or other countries don’t have US High School diplomas either.

Yes but..

As you may recall, I played a Doctor in 'Eyes Wide Shut.' Now this was a long shoot—Kubrick, you know, God rest his soul, but—anyway, I was absolutely immersed in this character—a licensed, practicing Doctor—for, as I say, well over a year. So it’s not like I don’t have the experience, or know how these guys think. But, about the girl..

Amy Kaypool?

Yes. Now, usually, these types of burns are just catastrophic and irreparable, or so goes the thinking of the best minds in American Medicine.

But they were, in fact, wrong?

No, they were dead-on. We kept her in a storage closet at the sound stage, fed her countless vitamins and gallons—drums—of cleansing Green Tea, but unfortunately they didn’t address the infection that set in on her burns. This was one of the very rare instances where antibiotics might’ve addressed the problem effectively, with, of course, massive amounts of vitamins.

It sounds like it was a hopeless situation.

Well, I never gave up hope. I tried many times to free her from certain harmful memories and talk to her about past traumas.

Did it help?

Not really. All she wanted to talk about was the burns and the enormous amount of pain she was in, and if there wasn’t some way we could give her some painkillers, which obviously wasn’t the answer. My god, you would not believe how much pus there was. Puddles.

Do you feel responsible?

That situation was what it was. You know who should feel responsible? Western Medicine. And the pharmaceutical industry. They’re busy synthesizing and manufacturing drugs, because it’s a billion dollar industry. That’s why there’s a drug for this, that, and the other thing. It’s ridiculous.

What should the drug companies be doing?

Well, obviously there’s a lot of work to be done in the area of vitamin research. This is such a no-brainer. Think about it—We have vitamin A, vitamin B, vitamin C, vitamin D, vitamin E.

Yes?

What about vitamin F? Vitamin G? We’ve got the whole rest of the alphabet of undiscovered vitamins that nobody is pursuing. It’s so obvious, it boggles the mind.

Do you have anything more to say about Post-Partum Depression?

Just that I'm sorry things were taken the wrong way. I adore Brooke. I just think she's the victim here. The Medical Community is playing on women's tendency to be needy and want fixing. So they say 'Take this pill.' Let's face it, women have a lot of mental problems in general. They're always saying 'I'm depressed, I lack energy, I can't pay attention. I fear social situations. I'm tired of living this lie.' But trapping them into a life of medication isn't the answer. Of course, question it and they rally to defend pills like battered women defend their husbands. Bitches are stupid. I say that with love and understanding.

Now, can you tell me anything about Narconon?

It's the most effective drug treatment in the world, bar none. It's the most rewarding work I've ever done.

I hope you won't give up acting for it!

Ha ha! No, but the success stories are so inspiring. Like--well, I want to respect everyone's privacy, so forget Steven Segal, but--here's a story of triumph, and I know he won't mind--Andy Rooney.

'60 Minutes' Andy Rooney?

The man had it all, and then lost it due to a crippling addiction to methamphetamine and crack cocaine. He was reduced to street prostitution, rambling about "did you ever notice how if you suck enough cock on meth you get a blood-blister on your tongue? Boy I sure have." It was awful.

That is ghastly.

You should have seen him when I found the guy. He had been shooting meth until his veins collapsed; he had sores and absesses everywhere from dirty needles. With his shirt off, he was covered with bruises from 'muscle hits;' he looked like he had been sprayed with rubber bullets.

This is a combination of addictions with the highest known recidivism rates in drug treatment. How did you get him sober?

Sit-ups. The addictions were literally swept away by vitamins and a rigorous abdominal exercize regimen.

Are you serious?

Absolutely. You should see his midsection now. So taut. He can hold paperback books in his abs. They look like they're chiselled, polished marble. You've got to check them out. They're awesome. I've got some pictures at home, I could send you some of my extras.

I think I understand

You're in pretty good shape. Do you work out?

A few times a week.

Where?

Uh, LA Fitness.

Good for you. I can tell by the way you carry yourself. You look good. Vitamin?

No thank you. Alright, fractures, burns, addiction—what else can vitamins effectively address?

Certainly all mental illnesses are better treated with a single Flintstones vitamin than any possible drug company solution, whether you’re talking about schizophrenics, the clinically depressed, homosexuals, dangerous psychotics—

Homosexuality?

Absolutely. I know a man—a famous actor, very successful, really underrated—who suffered for a long time from the illness. Oh, he was always in a heterosexual relationship. My God, he had more beards than Artemus Gordon—but inside, he knew he was sick. Then he started taking vitamins, and the change was awesome. You should’ve seen him. He was giddy, he was jumping around on couches like a crazy man with all his new vitality, he was kissing women without getting physically sick. Obviously, he became a huge proponent of vitamin treatment therapy.

And it cured his gayness?

Completely. Let’s just say that busboy over there—the one with the greasy hair—came over and pulled out a massive segment of babyleg and laid it on the table, probably uncircumcised..

That seems unlikely..

Shut the hell up. I mean, it’s just for argument’s sake. Say he did. If this actor was sitting at the table when he did that, and that busboy came over and laid it on the table with a thick-sounding slap in all its veiny glory, as long as the guy kept taking his vitamins, he wouldn’t be affected in the least.

(Concerned) You’re sure eating a lot of those.

I’m almost out.

What happens when you go without vitamins too long?

My judgement is impaired when my vitamin levels fall too low. For instance, last year I went for a hike, forgot my vitamins and vegetable juices, and before I knew it I fired Pat Kingsley, the most powerful and effective public relations person in entertainment, and hired my baby sister to replace her. It happened that quickly. I saw myself doing it, but it was like a slow-motion car wreck; I couldn’t stop it. Thank God someone gave me a Clif Bar and a Naked Juice, I was this close to firing my CAA agents and hiring my Uncle Earl. Who I love, but--let's just say my Uncle is my Uncle.

That would be a difficult point to dispute.

Do you have any vitamins?

No.

How about at home?

Uh, no. I'm pretty sure I have some Cap’n Crunch though; it’s fortified with 8 essential vitamins and nutrients, I think.

Sounds good, let’s go have some. Do you have a roommate?

No, I live alone.

Great, we’ll take my car.